December 1998
“Soldier’s Farewell”
8 Overcombe Road
Brighton BN29 6SX
Dear Everyone
Merry Christmas to All!
Well – what a year! The dysfunctional family retreat we all attended in Smethwick in June worked wonders until the incident in July when one of the children (who shall remain nameless Darren) came at me with a garden fork. My joy at his apparent intention to help with the garden chores for the first time in 15 years soon turned to cold fear as a scene worthy of Stephen King (don’t you just love Carrie?) followed. Fortunately for Darren (I can be very nasty when roused – just ask the ex-sister-in-law) Tony, our Golden Retriever thought we were having a game and that the fork belonged to him. He’s a big dog, quite able to look after himself, and that’s how it came about that Darren and I ended up wrestling a big furry thing to the ground. The tragic consequences could not have been foreseen as Tony rolled over on top of Gupta’s guinea pig, Thug.
Gupta and the next-door neighbours’ kids had just taken Thug out of his cage while playing laboratory animals (Don’t ask!) Thug is now buried in Boothill next to the compost heap with the eleven other little friends who’ve been lucky enough to be a pet here. (Between thee and me Boothill is the compost heap. It’s quite a big mound because of the ostrich weighted down with rockery stone to stop the foxes pulling it out again.)
Judy and I can’t believe it’s almost a year since last Christmas – and that was a year since the one before that. And just before the one before that was when we discovered Judy’s eldest Germaine taking smack behind the Christmas tree. I’m glad to say her habit is less of a burden than it used to be, though what with her love of body piercing and the effect of all the tattoos she’s got a kind of aertex look. To think that three years ago she was the vision of innocence – couldn’t read, couldn’t do sums, couldn’t switch the TV off – and now she’s taken a PhD in Advanced Sexuality with International Finance at the University of Amsterdam – well that’s what she’s told her mother anyway. Tolerance pays off we think.
Of course, Judy and I do stop occasionally to consider the real meaning of Christmas. We are trying to go to the shops more often as we believe this really helps retail sales staff.
Silas, Judy’s cousin on her step-father’s half-sister’s side came to see us from Lincolnshire – and what a hoot he turned out to be. 28 going on 60 with a shock of red hair and a first from Oxford – but he hasn’t lost his quaint country ways. First of all he sauted the cat and didn’t tell Germaine (who’s a vegan puritan). You should have seen the look on all our faces when he proudly announced the moggy ingredient. But he’s a jolly good cook and it was quite tasty.
Judy’s hysterectomy went off without a hitch. Amazing what you can buy over the internet these days.
And what a joyous year it’s been for the other children – Lavinia, Rex and Tasmin all live with their mother, my second ex, near Heathrow. Of course they’re all highflyers. I try to see them at the Terminal 4 car park when I’m off on one of my trips. (I’m not allowed near the house after the petrol bomb attack.) Lavinia has just finished her GNVQ in GNVQs and is looking for a man. Rex had decided to join the army after his GCSE’s – (8 D’s – can’t be bad) but they wouldn’t have him. He’s now helping down and outs in the centre of Harpenden, and he’s actually living in a cardboard box himself. Tasmin is her usual self and is continuing the treatment.
After being voted Moulscombe’s Most Promising Business of 1996 my company, Formula One Investments, went into liquidation early this year – a sad end to an enterprise that could have seen me as the Bernie Ecclestone of hurling. I’m now concentrating all my efforts on the wildesbeest farm in Uckfield where we raise cloned animals for the medical research and export markets.
We lead such a hectic life that I haven’t seen Judy since September 11th but I’m sure she’s around the house somewhere. I know she would want to join me in wishing you a Very Happy Christmas and a Prosperous New Year. I hope your children will be as radiantly successful as ours!
Love
Julian
Thank you John. Surely there's more than a round-ronin in there.